Forgotten

I remember the first day of school. i remember how my mother left me and said she would be back shortly and i only saw her again in the evening. in a way, it felt like a betrayal that would repeat itself many times. like the time she left me infront of Hilo supermarket, told me she would be back in a few minutes which turned into an hour or at least that was how it felt.. i remember thinking maybe she forgot where she left me or maybe something happened to her and she would never be back or maybe she ddint want me and had abandonned me there... i remember going to the dentist and removing all my teeth (or almost) and returning home, numb, not knowing exactly what had happened, only that there was alot of blood and something was very wrong. i remember the many visits to the dentist after that and the immense fear i had inside, so much so that i would throw up every time the spit suction was put in my mouth... i remember trying to learn to swim and the immense fear i had that i would drown so that after a semester, i still failed the exam...i remmeber trying to play volleyball or even badminton but because of bad coordination, i was just lowsy and would only help my side loose... i remember not being able to let go and let be.

do you remember when you shit yourself in grade one? you needed to go to the toilet baad but you were too afraid to ask permission or even move and then u begged it to not come out but then you couldn´t help yourself.. then when the smell was evident, you still refused to let yourself be humilliated so you sat there until the teacher went around smelling everyone, until she got to you...then they took you home, putting sheets of newspaper on the seats so it wouldnt smell of shit. do you remember that reading competition you entered and didnt know you had to answer questions after which you couldn´t do and so, tried to copy from the girl next to you? Do you remember how you were ashamed of your lunch at school and would prefer to starve than take out the oily brown paper which your mother had so carelessly wrapped the roti in? or the time you lied and said you had peanut butter and jelly sandwich and even showed your egg crumbs to the girl next to you insisting it was peanut butter? do you remember all the times you would steal small things from the supermarket and secretly give it to your teachers so they could like you? or the times you would remove all the labels from the Grace tins from the shelves to trade in for the Grace schoolbag which the rats eventually destroyed because you had left your food in it from the day before? Do you remember the times riding to the little market and trying to escape the dogs who smelled your fear and seemed to be waiting for only you? or the time you grudgingly went to deliver milk and the dogs rushed after you pulling your skirt down?

or the time in the school yard when jokes were being circulated about your no-teeth mother? Or about your raisin legs or about your large nose which seemed to overpower your entire face?

Well, these are the bits and pieces you wanted to have erased. Done!