the pain of rejection

where is the line between humilliation and dehumanisation, E asked herself. No, she was too hurt to rationalise her behaviour and that of the man she longed to be with. He constantly rejected her, she constantly pushed. Maybe she thought that if she pushed hard enough, he would eventually discover that deep within, she was really the one he loved? She hated herself because she had promised she would never let a man subject her to inferiority, treat her like second class, another piece of disposable flesh.. but yet she gave herself, all of herself.. she was strong, independent, successful, why did she need this man to complete her? why did she return after knowing how he felt, why did she continue to torture herself day in day out, dissecting microscopically all the conversations they had.. she always thought she was on top of everything, that her life was just the way she wanted it, that she had the love of a man.. why was this love so important.. is it that rejection belittles you so much that the consequent actions are just responses to this new inferior status.. she wondered to herself where exactly she went wrong. what exactly didn´t men like about her... MEN.. that word. that MAN was turning her world into a worldwind... she laughed to herself through the tears which seemed to flow freely without seeking her approval nor permission. Her tear drops took their course, offering her the solidarity she needed, indicating to her that life was fluid, flowing, nonstop.. that the pain, just like the tears, would stop.. but when?
but didn´t they say that we were all replaceble. thats what they all told her.. that before she knew it, she´d be in love again.. if that was the case, then why did she feel so betrayed, so empty, so insecure, so alone? where was that someone they were all promising? From where and when would he arrive? was this one going to be replaced as well?

De sobra sabes que eres la primera que no miento si juro que daría por ti la vida entera, por ti la vida entera.Y sin embargo un rato cada día ya ves te engañaría con cualquiera te cambiaría por cualquiera.
She kept playing these confused lines of Joaquin Sabina´s "Y sin embargo" over and over in her head.

- so where does that leave us?
-Us? was there ever an us?
- Didn´t all my attempts to draw closer to you, all the times i showed you how much you meant to me, mean anything at all to you? You must have been aware that you were more than a friend to me? How about all those times you tried to be intimate with me and i pushed you away? I don´t know when things changed between us?
-Me neither. But you are right, something changed
-I remember that night we sat for hours, you lying on your back and me sitting by your side. we imagined what our futures would be like. Such beautiful moments. you told me i´d marry a Moroccan then he´d die and i´d go for his brother! then i´d become a terrorist.. and then you laughed out loud! Then i´d be flying towards my homeland with my husband and two kids when the plane´s engine would fail...right over YOUR homeland..hahah.. and you, being the superman that you are.. would rescue us.. i remember i told you your version was bullshit but i still loved listening to you invent my life.. i felt so close to you that night...
- Yes and you told me i´d end up dying when i came to visit you..but i prefer to die close to my mother earth too..Doesn´t everyone want to die where they came from, close to their origins?
- do we have to talk about death? the idea was to figure out when things changed between us? What happened? I remember observing to you that u were acting differently, that i no longer felt you close to me. You told me i wasn´t the first to tell you that. How it hurt weeks after when you told a friend infront of me that when a guy distances himself from a girl, it´s a sign that he wants to slowly break away... I felt so depressed and sad
- But i kept coming to see you, if only to see you and feel your presence even though i knew you were different, that things couldn´t work out.. did we even try?
-No, i was too shy, i wouldnt let you near me.. and you didn´t bother either.. all you seemed to want was physical bonding..
-Well that´s a natural step in getting closer to someone, what´s so wrong with that...
-Nothing..it´s natural.. but for moments.. it seemed that that was all you were interested in..
-I´m young and perverted, can you blame me?!
-So i guess this is it.. we just try to stay friends...were we ever friends?
-Of course.. you were my best friend..
-haha! Dont make a mockery of friendship.. we were nothing in the end..im so nostalgic and lonely...and hurt..
-I´m sorry
-Are you?
-What the fuck is your problem? You know what? You just like attention!
-what? fuck! where are you coming from?! Im just telling you how i feel..
-Well you are messed up!!
-that´s typical male behavoir.. men are such arses!
-you are so stubborn.. when i first met you, you were an angel.. then i saw you metamorphose into a demon..with bulging eyes and veins that wanted to burst.. scary..hhhaha!
- you always make fun of everyhitng.. i actually believed i loved you.. but now i see you were a product of my imagination..all my imagination..and you could never live up to that creation.. in the end, when i judge you by your actions, you are a selfish fool, irresponsible and reckless who never loved me at all.. why did u make me grow close to you..
- Well you admitted you were the one who made all the moves..
-Yes, that´s true.. so i guess this is it.. we go our separate ways now.. we have nothing much to say to each other now..
-ciao then..
- fuck! i hate you for that! your ability to be so cold and indifferent. i wish i also possessed your sang froid!
-I don´t understand you.. first you say.. ok, that´s it.. and when i assent, you become angry..
-You dont understand women´s psyche at all... and you aspire to be a doctor corazón! thats ridiculous!
-.....
- I curse myself for falling for you.. everyone told me you were going to hurt me.. but i wanted to get hurt... i wanted to live, love, feel..
-....
-in the end, i will remember the good moments.. the time when you told me you thought about me alot.. you wrote about me.. when you touched my toe and when you told me the time spent with me was magical.. i won´t forget you... adiós then
-...

Revolvió- lyrics

"Revolvió".. if i cud write lyrics like this... in all its simplicity, sensuality, beauty and appeal..Alas.. me toca saborearla de momento y disfrutarla siempre.

Porque fue suficiente hablarle con los ojos desde allí.
Si en ese mismo instante su vida era tranquila y feliz,
la vino a revolver con bollitos y miel
Mareas en la tierra, el cielo iba cubriéndose de gris.
Porque salió el torrente, el miedo y las ganas de sentir.
Y quiso saborear la masa de su pan.

Revolvió su calor con su voz, con leche y azúcar se lo dio a beber.
Bordeó el corazón la razón con unos besos de ron y miel.
Horneó con su aliento su pelo, y caramelo parecía al terminar.
Y quiso saborear la masa de su pan.

Escríbele canciones, envíale tu voz donde él esté.
Vagando por su almohada le vino a visitar en sueños él.
La vino a revolver y se dejo hacer.
Estampidas en la tierra, el cielo iba tiñéndose marfil.
Porque brotó el torrente, el verbo y las ganas de sentir.
Y pudo saborear la masa de su pan

Él revolvió su calor con su voz, con leche y azúcar se lo dio a beber. Bordeó el corazón la razón con unos besos de ron y miel.
Horneó con su aliento su pelo, y caramelo parecía al terminar.
Y pudo saborear la masa de su pan

Paris, je t´aime

Well a friend reminded me recently when he heard of my trip to Paris how this was one of my long time dreams. Well i guess he was right. Of all the European countries, Paris was definitely one city i dreamed of visiting. Well the trip held no disappointments; i was enthralled by the place, the people and the ambiance of romance on the Seine river at night!
I arrived there after 10pm in the night and my shyness prevented me of attempting to put into practice all the french i had learned over the years. Well english is generally spoken there, if only grudgingly i might add. At the airport, an American citizen saw me struggling with the guy at the help desk for assistance as to how to get out of the airport by train or public transport. the strange and wonderful thing is that he came up to me, explained politely that i should ignore the guy, who by the way was sending me to hell, and to follow his instructions. that i did and i managed to get on the shuttle that i later discovered would take you to the stop that would lead to the North station where i would then have to take two metro lines before i came to the location of my hostel. Well, lo and behold, the kindly gentleman reappeared in the shuttle and this time, he gave me a day ticket which he said he no longer needed and explained that it wasnt easy getting around here. The frech public transport system is good but it s a bit confusing and takes a while getting used to, as i would learn.

Well my first experience on the metro was pleasant enough. i must admit being pleasantly surprised byt the number of black people all around and how well they seemed to be integrated. Those who have been to or lived in MAdrid will understand this transition. Nobody seemed to take ntoice of me there with my hijab, another surprise and this time, the added joy to find in the gazes of people not suspicion or even scorn, but flirtatiousness or simple indifference.

Another stereotype- the french are cold, unfriendly. i even read a warning somewhere which stated that help should not be sought from the french who are quickly annoyed. Well i didnt experience that at all... in fact, when some French women sitting at a table saw us looking like confused people, they even asked if we needed help. I must admit that the reception from the cafés wasn´t all that and that some coldness and uncomfortable stares were noticeable.

Anyway, so the first time i arrived in full view of the Eiffel tower, i didnt know how to react. one, because my instant reaction was - but it isnt all that, its in fact ugly!!! but at nite, when it was all lit up, i was definitely taken aback and the walk all along the Seine with this lighted monument was definitely worthwhile. the Seine at nite is the most romantic, beautiful setting. On the bridge of Arts (Pont des beaux arts) you had spectacular views and not a few couples who came there to enjoy a little night picnic.

Montmartre, the bohemian artist´s zone was definitely another ambiance at nite with it´s cafés, painters and little bars which proudly displayed signs revealing one painter or the other´s favourite nightspot. the Dali´s museum there was incredible and is definitely worth a stop! there was a section on his famous moustache, his many clock depictions and the clothes fashion he inspired. Definitely impressing. His ego, on the other hand did draw a raised eyebrow!

oh.. before i forget, just two things which caught my attention. One, the liveliness of the French. in the cafés i´d been to at night, the people would burst into song and dance, regardless of age etc. This was really amusing and i´m sure they were still trying to hold on to past memories of another era. The other thing was the bloated, obsessive nature of the French´s nationalistic pride as seen from their monuments praising and remembering the victories of France. By contrast, the efforts of non-french individuals in the battles seemed to be played down or forgotten altogether..

So by coincidence, the last nite i decided to see a movie that was being released that day and that was directed by the muchliked Julie Delpy. its called "Two days in Paris" and i later admitted that that was the best way i could have left this city. What the movie highlights and caricatures are the typical stereotypes of the French. the said director is visiting Paris with her american bf of two years in a bid to show him her city and parents and rekindle their romance. Sex, jingoisim, arrogance, racism of the typical French emerge from the movie that made me laugh alot.

So all in all, just some vague impressions of my visit to Paris. I deliberately omitted certain "things to do" inorder to ensure i revisit this cité inoubliable!!

equality of sexes in the Arab world- what role does religion play in the big picture.

"No todo es lo que parece-los velos son sexy"- Wonder if in the near future, this could become a publicity stunt in the West!! these are the words of Egyptian feminist Iman, who notes that it´s easy to wear a veil but hard to practise the religion. couldn´t agree more. But this introduction is but an aside. In today´s EPS supplement of the EL Pais, a very interesting article appeared on Islam, women and equality in Morocco. Its title- "Carrera hacia la igualdad". Very interesting, relevant points are made, especially by the women interviewed. the link is attached for the interested reader. what most strikes me, however, is the stance the author of the article adopts. he is nothing short of condescending, paternalistic and ethnocentrist. For example, the way he mockingly derides the traditional and common form of dress by both male and female Moroccans; his absurd insistence on the feminist Iman´s western adoptions and his repetition of how many cigarretted she smokes on the hour- as if these silly habits automatically grant entry into the civilised world.
there are interesting comments about the increased visibility of the hijab in the Arab and Muslim world and what exactly this represents and symbolises. interestingly, and i agree, the same feminist quoted above also notes that it is more a political and identity symbol rather than a mere manifestation of faith.
the author´s dichotomous, Machiavelean posture, though, is at times enervating, to say the least. his questions and comments clearly reveal his ethnocentrism and superiority speaking from the Western culture. He equates the Islamic form of dress easily and undoubtedly with backwardness and fanaticism, for example. Nonetheless, the article on a whole provides valuable, interesting observations which, if read with a "lupa" reveals the many ironies and contradictions in our societies and the need to dispel our prejudices and stereotypes when trying to understand the Other. Good article, worth a quick read!