So this is life, she thought. an empty hollowness that threatened to swallow her or even chew her and then spit her out. She contemplated suicide. No, she was too vain and proud to stoop so low.. besides she was a coward at heart and she knew it. Childhood memories began to haunt her. Images from that school novel Annie John came to her mind. Like when a boy asked Annie to remove all her clothes and placed her on an ant´s patch, totally naked. or the disgust she felt when she saw her parents making out. She didn´t understand what these images had to do with anything. Maybe it was this mentality a la Annie John which she possessed but refused to admit.
She remembered her first years in high school. how unpopular and insecure she was. She wished to be every other girl. Her nose was too long. Her legs were ugly and bowlegged. She was too skinny. When she saw herself reflected in pictures, she wished she could disappear. but instead, she dedicated herself to seeking attention from her classmates. First she lied about her family, her upbringing, her status. they owned a supermarket, she lied. The old man who came to pick her up in that embarassing car was her grandfather she said; the younger one was their chauffeur. When she was discovered, she continued to live in denial. She refused to give in. No, she hadn´t stolen the watch nor the pencilcase. No, those pictures of snow and a happy family enjoying a birthday party were in fact her... yes, even though i look different there, that´s me.. of course. And then those letters from so called penpals from Scotland, Paris, Vienna... no, they bear local stamps because they are all my friends, i mean they send it to someone here before it reaches you... no, no, thats a Scottish family.. of course it looks like your country.. it´s almost the same, yes. And the lies turned to bigger ones, but she didnt stop. Why? She was already the outcast, her popularity as a misfit was soaring.. She would redeem herself, she promised. One day, she would be admired by these very girls who shunned and looked down on her.. yes...