A fortuitous encounter

When she first met her in that hostel room with the two other unfriendly Argentine jews, she immediately knew they were going to be friends. She liked her french accent, her openness, her joviality, her deep sad eyes. In a matter of a few hours, she already felt she could write part of her biography.. they had done nothing but share stories although she did more listening than talking. She was always protective and shy and insecure about her personal life. Her secrets and fears were kept very hidden, tightly tucked away from preying eyes. So she preferred to listen.
I came to Europe for love. Or maybe i wanted to escape from my life, from all the nightmares, from a reality i could no longer bear.. when i met this African guy online and we immediately clicked, i knew he would be my ticket, literally, to start a new life. Yet, being the sceptical, responsable person that I am, i wanted to ensure i was not making a mistake- So i held out, i waited, i got to know him better.. his promises reassured me, his kindness were my pillow at nights and this life which awaited me in Brujas was my comfort in days of despair when i fought with all my savings to recover the child i had given birth to...
Sex for me was initially sacred, only to be done, not enjoyed, within the confines of marriage. i remember after my first encounter, i forced myself to deny and obliterate it, convincing myself that i was still a virgin, virgin, virgin... I was. After many encounters, my former beliefs were shed slowly but yet, that tinge of guilt was always with me.. as the years went by, sex almost became my weapon.. my way out from one situation after another.. i no longer enjoyed it, it was another routine to be finsihed to get to my ends.. sometimes it was painful, other times, it was boring, yet other times, it was embarrassing. There were moments when i felt abused, raped, trashed.. but i put it all behind me. I fought to keep my sanity afloat. No doubt my spirituality and God nourished and protected me.
Well, as you imagine, i came to Europe and the idea of the freedom, the chances to practice my music filled me with an unknown sensuality. This was all ephemeral however, as you would shortly discover.. the lies, the deceit, the facades all surfaced and the impact was too much for me to bear. I slept with cockroaches, the false, faint smile was like an implant gone bad on my face i no longer recognised. Each day, he would display me to friends who came in abundance. i felt complimented but also disgusted. i was in pain literally. i wanted out. That´s why i ran away once more, leaving everything i came with all behind.
I knew it was going to be difficult. I had 80€ with me and i needed a job desperately. the only clothes i now owned were the ones on my back. I slept with willing men for information and promises of help, jobs, anything to advance.. i was hopeful. Europe was the land of opportunities. The day i met you was like a Godsent. i was so thrilled. Your kindness, your willingness to listen without judging really touched me.I opened up to you without knowing you. it was theraphy- but i knew you would leave me behind, just like my parents, just like m y daughter, just like my lovers. When you left, the emptiness threatened to strangle me.. i was choking for those comforting eyes, that secure presence... my luck seemed to decline rapidly and i was forced to spend one night after another in the cold benches of Amsterdam. I kept thinking of you and those big, beautiful, comforting eyes, but those too soon disappeared. That´s when i called Brujas and decided to live with the cockroaches a while more....