conquering the lie

it just came back to me. it´s so strange, i´ve been trying to dig up this memory for a while now but couldn´t put my finger on it.. under what circumstances exactly did i experience that dizziness, that sinking feeling that made me want to bury myself in the earth, become invisible? Then it happened. it was that day, just like this one, when truth was confronted with lie, me the barrier, the receptor between the two. I had taken the money for vegetables sold, spent it in T-shirts that i later re-sold at a reduced price because i needed to maintain that popularity, this new attention that came with me and factory T-shirts. In other words, the money i was supposed to give to my parents went into this new doomed enterprise. i thought i had covered all my steps, i had even erased the name under "debts" to as not to arouse suspicion. but the cleverness of a mother was not to be tested especially when it came to making ends meet and feeding six mouths with one unstable income.
so my mother confronted the debtor who very surprised, noted that the payment was already made to....me! my astonished mother called me in the presence of the supposed debtor to prove what lying, thieving neighbours we had, she said. that´s why vegetables should not be sold to them because they were too cheap and "scrunting" she would add. Of course i denied everythng, much to the bewilderment of the debtor and that was when this gloom came over me, when things started to become blurry, when i started to wallow and sway, when i could no longer hear my voice or what i was saying... when i thought the world was plotting against me...
Yes, that was the first time i had experienced such intense emotions triggered by a lie... the second time, though, would be worse, since i really fainted. Again, the lie was uncovered, again, i began to defend myself helplessly, knowing my arguments were disappearing in the air before it reached its receptor.. the words started to taunt me, my thoughts began to play games in my head... all the while, i´m trying to follow logically a conversation about the room for rent.... the next thing i know.. i was on the floor, semi conscious, unable to immediately put all the pieces together.. that was the second time that the lie was defeated.